I used to not question things.
My reality was the life i grew into, and i accepted things as they were.
I thought that's how life supposed to be.
So, i finished high school, went through the army and became an officer in a position that i didn't even enjoyed (not to say suffered in), travelled to south america with all of my beautiful girlfriends in a way that i didn't even wanted (and no, i wouldn't take not even one moment back), came back, started to work and studied economy & management in the open university while all this time had a beautiful (but immature) relationship that lasted for 6 years.
For years i would just go with the flow.
I know for a lot of people 'go with the flow' was actually something positive, but it's important to distinguish the two ways for living life that way:
The positive way- living life by listening to yourself and your current needs and desires. Not being fixed to one particular way of living and accepting dynamics and changes of life.
The negative way- accepting reality the way it is and not putting any effort in changing things that are not suit you and your life's goal. Living life the way you know them, even if you don't like it and even if you feel different.
Well, i was living life by the negative way. Ever since i remember myself, i was different.
Different from my family. Different from my friends. Different from everything that surrounded me.
And i swallowed it. Couldn't blame my surrounding for being who they are, for being different than me. I managed to find my friends that i love, that understands me, that accepts me, that i'm belong with which are my very best friends till today. But for everything else - i didn't belong, didn't fit in, but kept on going with the flow. I also didn't look for something different. I was just stagnant. Lived a life that other people have destined for me.
My turning point wasn't ONE. It was so many points. So many points that eventually were my journey for Self-listening. Each of them had a different role, each was so important in my life and in my way to finding myself.
Don't get me wrong. I broke the rules little by little. I broke the frame one piece at a time. It wasn't easy, it wasn't fast but it happened on my own natural way.
Does it ever happen to you when you think of the past and it's so bothering you can't sleep?
Now, when i'm more awakened than i was before i look back and question:
Have i ever really listened?
Have i ever really cared?
Have i ever really loved?
Have i ever really questioned?
There's no point in being bothered on something we can't change, but it's still happens from time to time - that's reality and it's not making us any better or less of a person. Practicing on being peaceful with my past is a hard work but i'm on the way.
A small tip from me to you if you have it - journaling is definitely a helpful tool, makes you seeing things more clearly, taking the emotions from your heart to the paper creates a relief feeling, a grounded feeling.
Today, I am not ashamed to say - I am a free soul and i was born that way.
I love my freedom. I care for my freedom. I live for my freedom.
Holding myself in so many rules eventually in one point or another would've bring me to the same spot. to the point of leaving it all behind.
Till today, from time to time i'm still suffer from being stagnant.
The practice is endless.
Practice on accepting all phases in my life that brought me to this point.
Practice on questioning myself and my current life situation.
Practice on listen to my intuition.
Do you read this and feel similar? Identify yourself in here?
I have one question for you,
Do you question your life?
Do you really listen to your SELF?